Thoughts from the Edge of Mania…

As most of you will know if you follow this blog regularly, I suffer with bipolar type two and all of the joys that come alongside this wondrous condition (!) The majority of the time when I tell people that I have bipolar, their instant reaction is to talk about how wonderful mania must be, and quite understandably, I have to try very hard to bite my tongue. No part of this condition is “fun” or “easy”, and if I had to choose a state to remain in forever, it would honestly be depression.

tumblr_nzwm20jiry1uu8xtho1_500

I know that sounds ridiculous to most people, why would I want to be depressed? Of course nobody wants to be, but if the situation called for me to choose then I would. Mania is horrible. It isn’t just bouncing around on a cloud, happy and excited for everything that will come at you that day. Most of the time when I am manic I am certainly not in a happy mood. Mania means that you feel everything far too intensely. Thoughts are coming at you at a hundred miles an hour so that you are thinking everything and nothing at the same time without having the brain power to focus in on one particular thought.

too-much

I feel creative, like I want to do all these wonderful things, and obviously creating content for my YouTube channel and blog is high up on this list. However, I have all these thoughts and ideas for what I could do, but no focus to actually follow through with them. I either sit staring at a blank page or (as I am doing now) sit and furiously vent at my laptop typing at a hundred miles an hour with no concept of whether any of this crap makes sense – I do apologise if not!

giphy-3

Currently, I am not happy. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not especially unhappy (for once!), however this lack of specific emotion is certainly not giving me a drive for any of this pent up…something. I don’t know, honestly, there is no word for what is going on inside my head, I just know that whatever it is I need to get it out!

not-the-bees

So far tonight I have tried to watch six movies but lost interest in every one thanks to my concentration being all but none existent when I am like this. I have tried to read several times as this can sometimes quieten my thoughts, but I haven’t managed to get past five pages without my eyes wandering off to something more interesting, or being consumed by a new and exciting “none thought”.

up-squirrel-dog-animated-gif

I even tried to go for a walk, which in itself is very unusual for me as I don’t normally move unless there is either food or imminent death involved, but I just ended up staring at a teenager in the distance who was repeatedly kicking a can and thinking to myself “if he carries on I’m taking his bastard foot”! So before I caused any actual bodily harm, I took myself back inside.

2yqrbrada15ua

Currently? I am sat on my bed with my duvet scrunched at my feet. I have my hair tied straight back because if it’s in my face then I won’t stop playing with it, mainly giving myself a hair moustache and thinking I’m hilarious… It’s a good job I live alone really isn’t it? I thought that I would give myself the opportunity to write something, anything! And although I have a book full of blog and video ideas downstairs, I knew damn well that I wouldn’t be able to focus enough to do them justice. I’ve worked hard on creating the plans for those projects and I don’t want to ruin them by writing some drivel like this instead!

15134260_10154732012406060_879294344_n

This post has taken me forty five minutes to complete, and it is currently 649 words long. I typed so much more….oh so much more! But even in this state of idiocy and manic thought jumping, I still have a little bit of pride left which insists I at least proof read it once before posting. Trust me, an awful lot has been cut from this, I hope that enough of this makes sense. As I say, if it doesn’t I apologise, but I want to post things that I have written during the various stages of my bipolar, whether that be hypomania or depression, as it think that it is important to give an honest representation of the condition and how it isn’t as easy to deal with as some might think. I can’t just pop a pill and be okay. They help me to cope, but there is no cure for this kind of screwed up unfortunately. I hope you’ve had a good day, and to future (and more calm and normal Emmie) I sincerely hope you are not cringing too much reading this and that it makes sense to you – but I insist that you do not delete it!

this-is-good

Advertisements

*New Video* Mania Makes Me Miserable

A lot of people tell me that they believe that mania must be fun as it surely would bring that famous wave of creativity and genius that everyone talks about right? Well, mania isn’t all it is cracked up to be – and here is my latest video to explain why.

 

10 Reasons Why I Love Burlesque Fitness

A few months ago I started to look for ways to get fit. I have been losing weight for the past year (4 and half stone and counting!) and I also wanted to get fit. To be perfectly honest, I have never before really concerned myself with fitness and I had always been the sort of person that if something was downstairs, or even sometimes just on the other side of the room(!), then it was unreachable to me and might well have been in another country as far as I was concerned! I have joined gyms before, and after the initial burst of “this time it’s different” I inevitably get bored and make the same old excuses. I’m tired, I’ve got too much to do, I’ve been walking a lot lately so that makes up for it right? Whether it is alone or in a group, I always seemed to let my motivation die and go back to the lazy bum lifestyle I was used to.

This was why I was so interested when I first saw the advert for Burlesque Fitness in Lancaster. It was something

different, and I have always loved Burlesque as an art form (Dita Von Teese was very much a sexual awakening for me if nothing else!) and so it seemed like something that I should at least try. I was nervous at first as I’ve never done anything like this before, and so I asked my friend to come along with me. After the first session I was hooked! Burlesque fitness is a combination of burlesque dance routines to fab music surrounded by awesome people. Here are my top ten reasons as to why I love Burlesque Fitness!

I mean come on! The woman is stunning...
I mean come on! The woman is stunning…
  1. Everybody is so friendly!
    One of my main concerns about starting a fitness class again was that everybody would be all cliquey and snobby. I have been to so many gyms and classes where so many of the patrons look down their noses at you if you’re above a size 12! But Burlesque Fitness is completely different, I had absolutely no need to worry. Everybody is so friendly and I have never met anyone so happy and smiley as Louise! She makes exercise genuinely fun and always cheers you up, no matter how crappy your day has been!
  2. Everyone is just as sweaty as you are!
    As I think I have made clear, I don’t exercise and so worrying that I will gross out a room full of people with my sweaty, red and breathless self is a genuine and justified concern! However, everybody at burlesque is just as sweaty as you are! You can’t get through a session without starting to drip with sweat (and trust me, I do mean drip!) but everybody is just as bad as each other, which is a good thing! To the extent that we have had to mop 10352331_963848973664325_6585851719635838089_nthe floor so that we don’t slip on more than one occasion! Safety first….
  3. You can really feel it working!
    After a couple of songs of working your butt off to Louise great routines I start to flag, however as I say Louise really knows how to motivate us and keep us smiling, so it isn’t too long before I get my second wind and get straight back into it. I never stop giving it my all and so I definitely feel it in the morning! But, I am genuinely noticing a difference. Although of course I’m still far from what I want to be (miracles don’t happen overnight after all!) it is helping me firm up quickly so I am much more confident about myself when I look in the mirror.
  4. It makes you feel sexy…yes, while exercising!
    Despite the fact that I am dripping with sweat for an hour, the routines are great and do actually make you feel quite, dare I say it…sexy? This is an extremely foreign concept to me and I definitely have never been okay with my appearance. But the routines really help you to get into the music so that the movement just flows and you forget what you think you look like! As long as I don’t catch a whiff of my sweaty self mid class, I sure as hell feel cute!
  5. It’s cheap!
    Trying to keep up with monthly gym costs has nearly bankrupted me before, which is only made even more frustrating when I get into my “meh I’ll do it later” routine. Paying for something that I am not actually using or getting any benefit from is mindlessly frustrating but burlesque is cheap and within my price range (which is very rare at the moment…skint is not a strong enough word!) It is only £4 a session and you pay when you arrive, so you don’t have to pay for any sessions that you can’t make. Not having a subscription or membership fee really motivates me to go more often, and makes me want to get the most out of it!
  6. The songs get stuck in your head!
    I have always been more of a Dad rock kind of girl, anything from the 1970 and 80’s rock scene…or early 2000’s emo scene, and I’m a happy girl. So knowing that I would be coming to a class with more modern day chart music was definitely a concern to say the least. But they are actually quite catchy, don’t get me wrong I am certainly not going to run home and hit the download button on any of them. But while I am there I have found myself singing along pretty much every week which only makes the routines even more fun! What’s happening to me?! 🙂
  7. You quickly learn the routines!
    When I first started I was worried about learning the routines, I am an actor and occasionally a singer, but I am far from a dancer! I can learn a script in two days but teaching my feet to do what I want them to do alongside music seems to be an impossible task. But even after the second week it became pretty clear that the routines were sinking in pretty quickly. Maybe I’ll be on strictly yet….

    The lovely Louise :)
    The lovely Louise 🙂
  8. When you leave, you feel so proud of yourself!
    When I leave after working my butt off I genuinely feel really proud of myself. I know that I have worked as hard as I could and I can really feel it working. As I drag myself up the hill to my car, I can still feel it in my legs but I’m still floating on the high from the exercise. After all, exercise releases endorphins and makes you feel good – I love it!
  9. We all support and motivate each other!
    Everyone is really supportive of one other and we seem to keep each other going. There is such a nice atmosphere in that room, and although everybody is a sweaty mess, we are a very friendly and happy bunch of sweaty messes! We are even organising a Christmas do at the moment, I can’t wait!
  10. Louise really motivates me to want to do more, work hard and to not quit!
    I have never worked with anyone that motivates me past the point of exhaustion. Normally when I hit the wall I quit, I take it as that being my body telling me that it can’t do anymore, but that’s crap! I can do so much more than I give myself credit for and Louise motivates me to keep going until I hit that second wind of energy that keeps me going! So thank you Louise!

In short, I think everybody should give it a try whether they are experienced with exercise and dancing or a compete novice like my good self, it really works and leaves you feeling pretty damn awesome! I go to the Lancaster class every Wednesday at 7.30pm at The Storey Institute (near the Post Office), it’d be awesome to see some of you guys there too!

Disclaimer: I wasn’t paid to write this post or offered any free services. I just enjoy writing about what I love 🙂