My Bucket List

After living through an extremely crappy year, I think it is important to think ahead rather than backwards so that you don’t end up focusing on negative aspects that you really can do without. So I have been thinking about things I want to achieve as I always work best when I have goals that I can clearly work towards and this is why I have started working on my ever growing bucket list.

1. Go to Japan
   I have always wanted to visit Japan as it is totally different to my own country here in England. I want to experience a culture that is completely separate to my own so that I can learn about the culture and customs first hand.
2. Become a qualified therapist
   During my second year at university I changed what I wanted to do (bit late I know) as the government slashed the budget to the arts which meant that the need for drama teachers, my chosen career, was dramatically reduced. I had been passionate about mental health for a long time and suffer from bipolar and anxiety disorders myself and so I decided that I wanted to become a therapist and help people in a way that I wished I could have been. The only thing stopping me at the moment is the huge cost, but hopefully one day I will be able to save up enough to pursue my dream.
3. Get married
   Yes I know this one may seem like a bit of a Disney princess fantasy answer but hear me out. I am not in love with the pure idea of getting married, what I am hoping for is to be in a relationship that is so strong that I can’t ever think of being with anyone else. I want to wake up next to my best friend every single day and look into their eyes and know that they love me just as much as I love them. That is why I want to get married. I want to get married because I want to prove my commitment and devotion to the man that I will love…whoever that may be. Maybe I should find the poor bugger first eh?
4. Have a child
   I have always wanted to be a Mum ever since I was a child myself and the idea of having mini me’s running around my front room makes me smile wider than I thought I could. Although I am not quite ready to have my own little monster just yet (I mean I am only 23!) it is certainly something that I am desperately looking forward to in the next few years.
5. Get a Maine coon cat
   I have always liked cats but my mum has never been a fan and so I could never have one growing up. When I moved out all of my landlords have also been anti feline and so I have been left dreaming for one. One day I will have a Maine Coon cat that can lounge around my house and take up most of the sofa.
6. Own a Volkswagen Beetle
   I love these cars! I currently drive a Nissan Micra S series and this is pretty much because it is the closest thing to a Beetle that I could find that was still within my price range! I think they are really cute little cars and one day, finances willing, I will finally have my own!
7. Get my boobs done
   I don’t mean this to sound like a vain or desperate goal, as it is something that I know will improve my general mental health. I have never been happy with the way I look and the things that I can physically change (i.e. my weight – 4.5 st down and counting!) I am changing till they are what I want them to be. However, the main thing that has always made me feel shitty about myself is my boobs. It is not the size of them, size wise they are quite average and I am okay with that, average is good with me. It is the shape of them that I don’t like. They make me feel ugly, old and extremely unlovable and although I know that getting my boobs done is never going to be a magic switch that suddenly makes me love myself, it is definitely something that will help me continue on the right path to making sure that I am the person that I want to be, both inside and out!
8. Go backpacking
   I have always wanted to go travelling and satisfying my ever growing wanderlust by exploring the world seems like a great way to do it. I want to experience new and exciting places with my own eyes so I can see new sights and take on new challenges first hand. Taking in the new sights and smells of exciting new places throughout the world would be my perfect way to spend a summer, but again, the only thing that is holding me back is money. Unfortunately, I can’t see that changing anytime soon.
9. Go to 20 gigs in a year
   I haven’t gone to a gig in nearly 4 years thanks to my anxiety putting me off and scaring me out of pushing myself to do the things I want to do, even if I know that they are things that I will enjoy. I have bought my best friend gig tickets for his birthday, and so we will be going to that in January, I am hoping this to be the start of a years’ worth of gigs so that I can back into the swing of things!
10. Read 30 books in a year
    This year I have set myself the challenge of reading 23 books before the year is out as that is my age, and so far, I am well on track to meet this challenge. I would like to challenge myself to read 30 books in a year and increase this by ten for the next challenge as soon as I meet it!
11. Build my blog up to the best it can be
    I started off my online life with my YouTube channel EmmieMumsieBeaver and I have since built it up to be bigger than I thought it ever would be. I started my channel for me more than anything and so the fact that anybody wants to watch me really does mean a lot. However, I am passionate about writing and I want to get back into that passion with my blog. Although it doesn’t appear to be much now, I intend to spend the next 12 months working as hard as I possibly can on it, and keep posting regularly (now I’ve said it so I have to right?) so that it can be as good as I know that it can be. Wish me luck!
12. Reach 2,000 subscribers on my YouTube channel
    When I first started university my mental health took a severe nose dive and I really started to struggle more than I had ever done before. I started to seek help wherever I could as my GP was absolutely terrible at the time, to the point that my mum came in and yelled at her (go mama bear – protect your cub!), and it was then that I found YouTube. I found channels such as Laura Lejeune’s and Lollies and Ciggies (Hannah) and idolised both of them. I loved how open they were about mental health and thought that I could give it a go too. Being open about what I was experiencing was really beneficial to me and for some reason people enjoyed watching it. I have been getting more subscribers steadily and am currently, as I write this, sitting at 1,251 subscribers – which is way more than I ever thought I could even dream of – so if you are one of them, then seriously thank you, it means a hell of a lot. My next goal is to reach 2,000 and although I have a long way to go, I am looking forward to smashing it!

Blog On Conference Ice Breaker

While I was at my awesome day at the Volair Spa in Knowsley (read about it here) I convinced a few other blogger friends to come and join me at the Blog On Conference in Manchester at the Museum of Science and Industry.  This is taking place tomorrow and means I will be getting up around 5am (yay). I have never been to Blog On before and so I am very nervous and scared about meeting so many people (thank you anxiety!) but as I said in a previous post I am refusing to let my anxiety stop me doing things this year! I saw that one of my favourite bloggers Codiekinz had done a Blog On MSI Ice Breaker post, and I thought it looked awesome so I thought I’d jump on the bandwagon!

1. Share a recent photo of you (or a doodle!)

This is me with my lovely cast mates at Ad Hoc Theatre Company for our latest production “Afternoon at the Seaside” at the Morecambe vintage festival 🙂 x

2. Describe yourself in five words or less
   Bubbly, anxious, listener, smiley, ambitious.

   3. How long have you been blogging, and why did you start?
   I have been on YouTube for around 4 years now I think and started during my time at university with my channel EmmieMumsieBeaver based around mental health and the importance of self care. I use it to offer advice and support through my experiences with bipolar and anxiety disorders. I have had this blog for around two years, however I have only just really started to focus on working on it properly. I love writing and there is plenty that I would like to say that wouldn’t really fit on my channel, and so I think that this is the perfect place for that.

   4. What are you hoping to get out of Blog On?
   I am majorly excited about all of the talks such as the YouTube talk so that I can hear from other bloggers and get the opportunity to meet some lovely people from different brands and can find a load of new blogs to follow! Also, we have been advised to bring an actual suitcase for all of the freebies which I am still in shock of…

   5. Name a few of your favourite blogs.
   So many! To keep it to a minimum so that this section doesn’t go on for years, here are just a few. The lovely Jenny, Codie, Kiah, Laura, Rebecca, and Bethan to name but a couple! I love them and you should definitely go check them out! (Also, they are super, super lovely in real life so lots of cuddles to them!)

   6. What’s your favourite social media platform(s)… and what’s your username?
   I have never really been a big Twitter fan (I know right – a blogger who doesn’t like Twitter?! I’m a freak! @emmietogneri) but I do love Instagram, I think that would be my favourite at the moment, follow me at @emmiecat18 🙂

   7. Share a fact about you no-one would guess.
   I don’t really drink alcohol unless I intend to get very drunk and be out for a long time, I’m definitely not a “glass of wine at the end of the day” kind of girl.

   8. What’s your favourite bit of tech?
   Definitely my phone! It’s never out of my hand. It does absolutely everything so why wouldn’t I love it! A camera, messenger, Instagram, snapchat….and Tumblr. All hail Tumblr!

   9. If you won the lottery, how would you spend your winnings?
   If I won the lottery then I would pay off my family’s debts as well as treating them and thanking them for helping me out when I was struggling. I’d also indulge my best friend’s guitar obsession and buy him all of the things! Then finally, get on a plane (hopefully with said friend if he wanted to) and go travelling till the budget ran out!

   10. If you could host a talk show, who would be your first guest?
   Hmmm tough call. I think I would love to interview Jared Leto because he just seems to be able to do everything and be so talented with all of the things. Nobody should be that talented!

   

   Oh my God I’m in love with him as the Joker!

   11. Share a funny (or favourite) memory from your life.
   Too many to think of! I quite like any time I get to swim in natural waters like a river or lake. Swimming in Lake Windermere a few summers ago with my family was pretty special…until I realised I didn’t have a towel and so would have to drive back sopping wet!

   12. What is your favourite book (or film if you’re not a big reader) and why?
   Ooooo very tough call! Probably Kiss Me First by Lottie Moggach. Really good twists and so well written.
   
   13. What picture is on your phone/tablet lock screen?
   A steam punk Pikachu in a hat. Yeah, just let that sink in…

   

   The best lock screen. Ever.

   14. If you had an hour of time all to yourself, how would you spend it?
   An hour long Lush bath with the latest book I was reading and a cup of tea.

   15. What’s the best bit of advice you’ve ever been given?
   “If you’re going through hell, keep going”. Although this is a Winston Churchill quote it is still a phrase that I live my life by. As I have bipolar and anxiety disorders every day has to be experience in the moment as things can (and always do) change pretty rapidly. Bad times are going to happen but if you just keep going and plough through then you will come out the other side. I love this quote – so much so I have it tattooed on my left foot….bit of pointless information for you there about my feet. You’re welcome.

I am so excited for this day and will be bringing my camera so I can bring you guys along with me and let you in on the day. Expect lots of updates on social media – especially my Instagram! Who else is going to be there?

 

Mooncup Review

With all of this talk of tampon tax which the Tories seem to have no intention of scraping any time soon (I am so very sorry you feel like I should be taxed for bleeding!), I decided to start looking into alternatives – and this is when I came across the Mooncup. What is a Mooncup you ask? Well the Mooncup is a small silicone cup which you insert into your vagina in place of a tampon to collect menstrual blood. I was initially (and I think quite understandably!) terrified at this idea. I was supposed to manoeuvre something that resembled a space craft of some kind up my hoo-ha with the set of acrylic nails I always seem to be sporting at the moment, without somehow slicing into myself and creating a scene out of the next Tarantino movie!

Well at least it feels like that!

Despite my initial terror, I watched a butt ton of YouTube videos from vloggers like Keira Rose, and thought to myself “hey! No, I can do this shit! I am a grown ass woman, quite your moaning!” So I did a ton of research and bought my Mooncup off Amazon for £16.94 and got size B as I had not had any children. When it first arrived it looked a lot less intimidating than I first thought, and seemed like it was going to be a lot easier to fold and squish than first expected.

Inside the box comes an instruction leaflet telling you a bit about the Mooncup as well as ways that it can be folded to make the insertion process easier. There are so many different methods of folding your Mooncup which can be found on their website and include the C-fold, punchdown fold and 7 fold. Personally, I’m a fan of the C fold – simple and easy, I have no time for complicated methods when I’m focusing on not impaling myself on my nails!

Since I have been using Mooncup I have saved an absolute fortune! Sadly, I am one of those poor and unfortunate souls who have periods lasting longer than 8 days (I know, I accept gift baskets of pity…and wine), and so keeping up with the costs of dealing with said period was no easy task! I have never been on a very high wage and with a box of tampons averaging £3 a box (of 20) and generally going through 2 boxes a period, I am now saving around £55 a year!

At first, I was worried that the Mooncup would not be comfortable as it a lot larger than your average tampon. However, as they are made from medical grade silicone they are bendy and fit to the shape of your body so I can’t even feel it there at all – which can be dangerous if it has been in there too long – stay alert kids! The main difference I love is that you don’t get that dry and nerve breaking feeling when you try to remove a tampon. Tampons absorb up to 35% of your vaginas natural moisture and so removing them can sometimes be a painful experience, especially on your lighter days. Mooncups don’t absorb any moisture and so won’t dry you out.

If like me, your period can be very irregular and hard to predict then a Mooncup could be just what you need. When your flow can be vastly different from day to day, it can cost a fortune (as well as taking up a lot of space in your bathroom!) just to be prepared for all scenarios that could crop up. It’s awesome because you can use the Mooncup throughout every stage of your period and it holds up to 3 times more than a regular tampon so you never have to be caught short.

After using my Mooncup for nearly a year now I can safely say that I will never go back. I have loved my experience and the little canvas, drawstring bag that it comes in means that I can take it anywhere discretely so that if I do drop my bag and it accidentally falls out, I don’t have to die of shame when my Mooncup lands at the feet of the hot cashier I’ve been eyeing up for the last month as he remains clueless! Sorry to sound a little preachy, but I really love it and anything that saves me money is alright with me!

Disclaimer: this post is not sponsored. I really love my Mooncup and think everyone should give them a try…well that and I really like writing reviews!

Sometimes I Just Want to Get Off…

Living with bipolar disorder can be fun at times, hypermania so often bringing with a flood of endorphin’s and inspiration to be great and to do great things. However the lows can be totally debilitating and take over the overwhelming roller coaster that is your life. The past two weeks have been extremely tough for me in regards to my bipolar depression, and it is really the first time that I have properly crashed (to the extent to which I am worrying myself at least) while I have been a functioning adult, with my own responsibilities.

This past fortnight has destroyed me and all I have wanted to do is fall back into old habits, and not move from my bedroom while sitting on the wrong side of a lighter or razor blade. But I don’t live at home now, I’m not at uni. I can’t afford to stay at home, just because my world is falling apart doesn’t mean it stops turning for the rest of the world! I rent a two bedroom house with a garden and have two pets to look after and a full time job to manage – I don’t have the luxury of just being able to stay at home when I feel a bit dodgy.

And so, I have had to drag myself to work and sit at my desk, the majority of the time while trying to ignore the tears streaming down my cheeks, and get on with everything because life will never just stop. Of course there have been tears, and stress and even a panic attack (my poor manager…never seen a grown man look so uncomfortable in my life – I am so sorry!), but I am surprising even myself by pulling myself through it.

It may look like I am not coping to any outsiders looking in, and to a certain extent no I am not. However, only I know how fragile and broken I was just two or three years ago, and there is no way that I would be able to cope with moods like this, be living on my own – and more importantly to trust myself to live alone without doing anything stupid, without anyone to (for lack of a better term) “babysit” me.

When my mood plummets like this I can appear to be a totally different person – I become even quieter and only speak when spoken to (yes I can speak even less than I do now, I swear its possible!), I forget to eat, lose pleasure in doing things I’ve always loved, nothing tastes right and most annoyingly my concentration becomes non-existent. If there is something on my mind then I will sit and think about it endlessly until I have reimagined every possible alternative outcome to that situation, if there is nothing in particular bothering me that day, then my head will help me to create a problem – probably fantasising about a bomb scare, or a kidnapping similar to my past happening again – neither of which are exactly likely on a Tuesday afternoon in North Lancashire.

But that is what bipolar depression does, it takes who you are and slowly compacts you into a small shadow of your former self. You become paranoid and snappy and often end up taking it out on the people who try to help you most. Life just becomes very difficult. As I said, I feel like I am doing well, and I am proud of how far I have come over the past few years. No, I am not exactly coping right now as it feels like I am trying to sew sand together to be perfectly honest. But, I am coping well enough for me, and I am doing my best to stay afloat, and that’s good enough. For now at least.

Goodnight my lovelies,

Emmie x