Now I’m No Longer 10 (A Slam Poem written at 1 am)

Here is a quick little slam poem that I wrote when I was trying to calm down after a panic attack at one o’clock in the morning. It’s by no means the most coherent and interesting thing that I have ever written, however you all know what I’m like. Creativity helps me a lot. If I’m falling apart, throwing myself into something really does help bring me back together. Enjoy, I’d love to hear what you think – I haven’t edited it, this is just sheer anxiety Emmie venting.

I hate that you still hurt me,

Even though you could be dead.

I wouldn’t know

And the voices inside my head

Still question if I would care?

I hate that I can’t sit up at night when I’m watching the TV,

Without both locks and hefty chain across my door in case you come for me.

I hate that I can’t talk when I’m meeting some new friends,

Your constant branding of me – just useless, shit and worthless – always wins out in the end.

You’re right. How could they like me?

I’m just that pity smile,

It’s cool, I’ll sit outside alone and look at my phone a while.

I hate how you still control me,

And when I’m walking down the street,

I keep my keys under my hand just like this face you used to beat.

I hate that I can’t stop the tears when I hear an outside noise,

I just curl up and shake and wait for help – just why?!

But yeah. You always wanted boys?

I hate that this diagnosis will always tie me back to you,

That even if I do get better,

And let scars and minds heal,

No matter how far I run,

This will never then be through.

And although you’ll never read this,

I do wonder if you’d care….

Despite all of the shit you’ve put me through, I will never just “stay there”.

I have so far to go and the road will not be clear,

But I have loved ones to help to lift me up whenever I may shed a tear.

And although I may not ever want to see or talk to you again,

I have to wonder “Daddy” if you would still do those things just the same,

Now that I’m no longer 10…

Thank you for reading this guys. I don’t quite know why I am posting this really, however lately I am starting to remember why I started this whole “blogging” thing in the first place. I started both my YouTube channel and my blog to help people, but I didn’t want to do that in a preachy way, sort of “look at me aren’t I interesting with how well I am dealing with my mental illness”. No, in fact, I find those kinds of blogs quite insulting – but each to their own.

No, I wanted to try and give a realistic face for what is like to live with a mental illness. Nowadays there is this misconception that mental illness is interesting and deep…(I blame Tumblr!) But quite frankly it’s not! Because no, there is nothing romantic about waking up in a pool of your own sweat and tears after the 8th night of intense flash backs passes by where you are (yet again) left without any sleep. There is nothing romantic about feeling like there is no other way to deal with the pain you are feeling than to compartmentalise this pain in the form of self mutilation. And there is certainly nothing romantic about crying yourself to sleep every night and praying that you don’t wake up the next morning.

I wanted to share my experience with this shitty illness and to share how I personally choose to fight it, whether I am winning or loosing the battle, I think that in either case the documentation of it is equally important don’t you? It is possible to be a person suffering from a mental illness and appear to be (almost) entirely functional to the outside world. With 1 in 5 of us suffering from a mental health disorder in the United Kingdom, there are certainly more of us than you might think! We aren’t all dangling from the chandeliers and screaming expletives as nurses try and hold us back from drawing cats on the wall in our own shit(!) Most of us are entirely functional, it is what you don’t see behind closed doors that is different.

So I suppose that’s what I am looking for both my blog and mental health YouTube channel (EmmieMumsieBeaver) to be – a place where I can help people by sharing my experiences as a (semi) functional 23 year old woman, suffering from Bipolar Disorder type 2 and PTSD. I hope you’ll stick around to see more 🙂

Night guys 🙂

Emmie x


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